Game of Thrones Power Rankings: The Climb

jon-ygritte-the-climb-tnwLike great dialogue? Like action-packed ice climbing scenes? Like circuitous torture? You’ve come to the right place! The sixth episode of Game of Thrones‘ third seasons wasn’t as jaw-dropping as the fourth and fifth, but it gave us plenty to chew on in this week’s Power Rankings.

Our rankings are based on developments from each episode in particular, and take factors such as likeability, power and general character attractiveness into consideration. At the end of the day, these are wholly subjective, so if you disagree with any of our assessments — and you’d be wrong — state your case in the comments section below.

One last very important order of business: SPOILER ALERT: The following entries contain information from the most recent episode of Game of Thrones: “The Climb” (Season 3, Episode 6).

Not in the episode: Dany, Jorah, Barristan, Stannis, Powertits

arya-season31.  Arya Stark (previously 5): Remember when you were in fifth or sixth grade, a kid growing into a slightly older and more assertive version of yourself, and you really lashed out against an adult for the first time? Not a run-of-the-mill tantrum; an outburst in which you were fully cognizant of what you were doing, because this time you were in the right, and damn straight you were going to eat dessert before dinner if you wanted to? Well, that’s the type of person Arya has turned into — and it’s incredible, terrifying and reckless all at once. We’ve already seen her challenge Locke upon first encountering him in the woods. We’ve seen her accuse the Hound of murder, and then try to poke holes in him herself after Beric couldn’t finish the job. And now, we’ve seen her openly defy Melisandre after the red priestess negotiated a deal to acquire Gendry, a move that may not have been wise on Arya’s part given Melisandre’s prolific Fern Gully monster-producing snatch. Still, unlike in past seasons, Arya isn’t just uttering the names on her death list; she’s ready to take action. Oh, and she can totally unload arrows into a man’s balls with complete accuracy, which I’m really hoping is the way Joffrey goes out. — BG

tywin-season-32. Tywin Lannister (previously 3): Tywin just gets his way. It’s that simple. If he wants to sit behind his desk and write letters, he’s gonna fucking sit behind his desk and write letters. If he wants to marry off his bitchy daughter to a “sword swallower, through and through,” he’s gonna fucking make it happen. And if he has his mind set on winning an argument, dammit, he’s gonna fucking dominate that argument. Sorry, Lady Olenna. That means no amount of fancy cheese or lemon cakes was going to prevent that Lorax-Cersei arrangement from happening. Tywin is the absolute last person I’d ever want to be in a fantasy football league with, because he’d not only persuade me into trading Adrian Peterson for Vick Ballard, but he’d also force me to dump my girlfriend for a gay dude and then have his horse take an epic shit in my hallway. Not pleasant. — BG

melisandre-season-33. Melisandre (previously unranked): Get Melisandre away from Stannis’ bummer compound, and she turns into an epic quote machine! The Red Woman offered some of the season’s best lines to date in Episode 6, first telling Gendry “You will make kings rise and fall,” then telling Arya “I see darkness in you … brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes — eyes you’ll shut forever. We will meet again.” Holy fuck! Awesome. Let’s break down the Gendry line first: What exactly does she mean? Or rather, how exactly does she mean? Melisandre is taking Gendry because he’s King Robert’s bastard, which means he has royal blood. Is she going to sacrifice him to her Red God in order to make Stannis rise? Is she going to make Gendry’s little king rise and use him to spawn a new shadow baby? She did tell Stannis that the effort of creating another “son” would kill him, but Gendry is as strong as that bull helm he loves so much. Meanwhile, while Gendry (pre-capture) and Anguy are busy ogling the Red Lady’s red ladies, Arya is accusing her of being a witch and, presumably, making a mental note to add Melisandre to her nightly “To Kill” list. But what exactly does Melisandre mean when she mentions all those eyes? Is Arya going to learn how to change faces, like Jaquen? Or are those the eyes of the people she’s going to kill? Speaking of killing people, or at least trying to: Melisandre seemed fiercely jealous of Thoros’ ability to bring Beric back from the dead. She doesn’t seem to think a drunk like him deserves to receive such a gift from the Lord of Light. Why doesn’t Melisandre have this power, too? Is she not as much of a badass as we all thought? So many questions. Really wish we could go to Bible Study with these two. — MR

littlefinger4. Littlefinger (previously unranked): We’ve known since we met Littlefinger that he was not to be trusted. Hell, he flat out told Ned Stark that in Season 1, just before Littlefinger conspired to have Ned arrested for treason. What we didn’t know was just how twisted Baelish really is. We sure got a glimpse of that in “The Climb.” That twisted fuck sold Westeros’ favorite whore to another twisted fuck (the Bitchking) for torture and death after presumably discovering she was spying for the Spider. There have to be more reasonable ways to bail on a bad investment. And in his “chaos is a ladder” speech, Littlefinger reveals his true ambition for power. Will he become one of the many to try to climb the ladder and fail? Or will he rise out of the chaos and seize the Iron Throne? Nobody can say at this point, for now he’s heading to the Vale in pursuit of that Grade A quality Tully breast milk he’s been chasing for so long. So eat up, Littlefinger. Enjoy sharing those titties with your runt of a future stepson. — CW

jon-snow-season-3ygritte 755. Jon & Ygritte (previously 1): Oh to be young and in love, without a care in the world except each other. Just banging in hot tubs, traveling in quest of the perfect sunset. Oh, and that treacherous climb up The Wall. Impressive upper body strength guys. But damn that warg for cutting the rope, who the hell let that dweeb Gareth into the Wall-crashing party anyways? But never fear, Ygritte, Jon Snow is here! Seeing Jon swinging madly to drive his ice pick into the wall must have made Ygritte wetter than those luxury cave tubs. And then that sunset view from the top of the Wall? Who gives a shit if Giantsbane and Warg-face are watching, how do you not start banging right there? What happened to Once you pop, the fun don’t stop? But let’s get to the important things. We need a celebrity name. Jygritte just doesn’t work, sounds like a World War 1 era STD. Ygrittesnow might already be a word, pretty sure it’s a lost form of ancient combat. Jongritte could work, but kind of sounds like a hillbilly name. I’m liking Snowgritte. It kind of rolls off the tongue, and it can double as a dirty verb to describe the next time they get freaky in the great outdoors. So get to Snowgritting you two, the world is your oyster. — CW

mystery-dude-season-36. Mystery Dude (previously unranked): OK, I’ll say it: This is getting a little annoying. I guess it’s cute that the Thrones team is trying to be all meta by making the characters ask the questions the audience is asking, but here’s the problem: We’ve been asking these questions for WEEKS. “Who am I? Where are we? Why are you here?” Uh, that’s what we want to know, assholes! Stop playing with us. This storyline, while still terrifying and hilarious and intriguing, is starting to feel a bit like filler. Every week, it’s the same: Mystery Dude tortures Theon; Theon cries like a little bitch while Mystery Dude cuts some bit of him off; rinse, repeat. But I digress … let’s talk about the stuff that was good: Melisandre and Littlefinger uttered some memorable lines, but Mystery Dude delivered what may prove to be the quote of the series: “If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.” Woah. That is some DARK shit. While that line obviously applies to Theon and his current state of peril, it’s not much of a reach to say it may wind up applying to our story as a whole. We’re invested in so many characters, most of whom are at odds with each other, and they simply can’t all win in the end. — MR

robb-stark7. Robb Stark (previously 4): Robb has had a rough go of it lately. His troops’ numbers are steadily declining. He’s “won every battle, but is losing this war.” And his mom has become super moody and only wants to listen to The Used all day. Really, Cat. You don’t have to wear a creepy black overcoat and spiked dog collar every day for us to understand how you feel. But on Sunday, things started to turn around for our favorite older brother. By convincing his uncle Edmure to marry one of the batshit crazy Frey girls, Robb is gaining the soldiers he so desperately needs. He finally appears to have a plan in mind to make a move on the Lannisters. And his hair is still the most wildly underrated feature of any character on this show. Did you see his hair to chest hair combo in his negotiations with the Freys? Goddamn impeccable. The fact that he doesn’t have an endorsement with Head & Shoulders — and Joe Mauer does — is one of the great mysteries in all of mankind. — BG

roose-bolton8. Roose Bolton (previously unranked): So, Bolton’s not going to hand the Kingslayer over to Robb after all? That seems … shifty and weird. Bolton appears to be doing this for standup reasons, but he’s also doing it to save his own ass. He knows his man Locke shouldn’t have cut off Jaime’s hand, and so he’s doing whatever he can to right that wrong. But Bolton seems to be straddling the loyalty fence. Robb imprisoned his own mother because she let the Kingslayer go. Bolton HAS the Kingslayer. This would seem to be a no-brainer for a bannerman who’s truly committed to his liege lord. Prior to his execution, Karstark warned Robb that he was losing his men. Has Robb lost Bolton, too? Or is this a play for money and a hedging of bets for Bolton, but little more? We’ll surely soon find out. We know three additional things already, though: Bolton isn’t sending Brienne to King’s Landing with Jaime (even though Jaime insisted); Bolton doesn’t imbibe (“You do understand how suspicious that is to ordinary people?” Jaime said, hilariously); and Bolton has a bit of a quick wit for a rather serious dude (“I would hope you’d have learned your lesson about overplaying your … position,” he told Jaime, while looking at Jaime’s stump). Solid. Intriguing. Flay on, flaya. Flay on. — MR

berric dondarrion9. The Brotherhood (previously 2): I’m still not entirely sure what to make of the Brotherhood. On the one hand, they’re a bunch of hobos, some of whom don’t have eyes, who live in a cave secluded from all of society. They’re basically the Bushwick of Westeros, and, when they’re not worshiping the Lord of Light, they’re probably having spoken word poetry jams, and those things are just the worst. Yet on the other hand, they’re really good at cheating death, so much so that Melisandre gave them a GTFO look when Thoros of Myr revealed how many times he’s brought Beric back to life. Even if that ability won’t last forever, it’s extremely powerful; it’s like Beric has an unlimited number of stars in Mario Kart available at his disposal. At this point, the Brotherhood seems part hipster, part pirate, part deity and part Bowser. So yeah, No. 9 in the Power Rankings seems about right. — BG

tumblr_mmf0jqD4Bb1rj115qo1_25010. The Betrothed: Our main man Tyrion had a great line in this episode: “It’s hard to say which of the four of us is getting the worst of this arrangement.” Fear not, Tyrion: This week, our usual bitchspot will serve as a mini Power Rankings for the four poor souls being forced into arranged marriages by Tywin “Millionaire Matchmaker” Lannister.

10a. Tyrion Lannister (previously unranked): Yes, Tyrion is in love with Shae. And yes, Tyrion is going to marry a child. And, OK, yes, Tyrion hates nothing more than being a pawn in his father’s game of Westerosi chess. But … Sansa is a babe. A hot chick with a fertile womb, a gentle disposition and a claim to the North? Tyrion could do much, much worse.

10b. Loras Tyrell (previously unranked): Lady Olenna says Cersei is too old to bear children. Great news for The Lorax! If Cersei’s uterus is indeed useless, Loras can make her a butt buddy instead. If the Knight of Flowers is forced to consummate the marriage in a more traditional sense, there’s one silver lining: He’s spent his entire life looking at the Tyrell rose, so he might be able to pretend Cersei’s vagina is a really lifelike sigil.

10c. Sansa Stark (previously unranked): Man, Sansa just can’t catch a break. What’s worse: Falling in love with a fabled sword swallower in the first place; passing on Littlefinger’s offer of escape and asylum because she thought she’d be marrying that sword swallower; or instead getting stuck marrying a maimed dwarf from the family that killed her father and is hunting her brother? We know Tyrion’s a good dude, and he’s shown Sansa respect and kindness in the past, but for a girl who was considered one of the most eligible bachelorettes in Westeros a year ago, this is a rough fucking break.

10d. Cersei Lannister (previously 10): Once again, Cersei, you look like an ass. Your dad is making you marry a gay guy, your future grandmother-in-law is attempting to use your shriveled prune of a womb as grounds for nullifying the agreement and, oh, did we mention you have to marry a gay guy? Cersei was so excited to see Tywin tell Tyrion about his marriage, but Tyrion ended up landing a little sex kitten. Cersei got a teenage boy who’d rather be wielding a sword in battle or polishing one in bed than paying her any mind. And of course, Cersei hates the Tyrells. But in a way, that may be a silver lining: If there’s one thing Cersei loathes as much as sacrificing her newfound freedom, it’s Margaery Tyrell. We know Loras loves dresses, so perhaps he can help Cersei pick the fabric for Powertits’ wedding gown. — MR

RIP

Ros: Dammit Ros, you beautiful idiot. If this isn’t the Westerosi version of the Peter Principle, I don’t know what is. You were an awesome whore, but you just had to attempt to climb that ladder Littlefinger likes to talk about. And look what happened: You went from being a call girl, to being Littlefinger’s assistant, to being Varys’ informant, to being strung up on Joffrey’s bed with a bunch of crossbow bolts piercing your wasted flesh. And oh my gods, Littlefinger’s first name is “Peter,” isn’t it? You deserved better, Ros, but you rose to the level of your incompetence and it got you killed. — MR

Just fuck already

Jaime and Brienne: Forget about Jamie and Brienne’s storylines for a second. Forget that Jaime is being allowed to travel back to King’s Landing, but Brienne isn’t being permitted to accompany him on that journey. Now think about the moment when they were sitting with Lord Bolton. Jaime was “failing at dinner.” Brienne was wearing that unmistakable pink dress, which she pretended to hate, but really loved for the way it made her shoulders seem slightly less Dwight Howard-like. Then, amid Jaime’s struggles, Brienne slid her fork into his slab of meat. Jaime paused. He stared into her eyes. And then — hand or not — he made up his mind. He was going to do it. He slipped his arm under the table, and let his nub of an arm continue unimpeded on its path. — BG

Sam and Gilly: Sam you dumb, fat mothefucker. Well, I guess you’re not yet technically a motherfucker yet, but you’re still dumb and fat and alone in the woods surrounded by angry crows and hungry zombies. The best you can hope for is to go balls deep once in your pathetic life before the walkers feast on your plumpness or the Watch catches up to its lost piggy. Here’s how it’ll all go down:

The Scene: Sam and Gilly by a fire. Gilly neglecting her crying son as she eyeballs Sam’s crotch while he struggles to build the fire.
Gilly: “Your wood is too big for my fire.”
Sam: Turns red, awkward smile. “You sure know a lot about fires.”
Gilly: “You have to take your wood out so I can blow.”
Sam: Panics, changes subject. “Let me sing you a song first.”
Gilly: “This song sucks, and so do I.” Smiles, winks, nudges Sam with elbow. “Take your wood out already.”
Sam: Agitated, removes log from fire. “Oh! Want to see my dragon blade?”
Gilly: Growing frustrated. “No, I want to see your cock.”
Sam: Turns bright red, avoids eye contact. “Oh my, Gilly I —-”
Enter white walkers: “Mind if we dance with yo date?” White walkers begin stabbing Sam, Gilly smiles, inter-species sex orgy begins. Fade to black as Sam dies and Gilly gets zombie banged.
— CW

On The King’s Road

Joffrey Lannister: I refuse to judge the Bitchking for shooting Ros. I just won’t do it. Sure, it was a fucked up thing to do. And sure, one well-placed arrow probably would’ve done the trick. But have you ever shot a crossbow before? Because those things are AMAZING. Last week, we received a toy version that fires foam arrows in our office. And it freaking rules. What Waffle Crisp is to breakfast cereal, crossbows are to old-school weaponry. So do your thing, Joff. Just make sure to perfect your Miss America wave for all the nice folks you’ll have to explain yourself to. — BG

Gendry: A King’s blood runs in Gendry’s veins, as the last known Baratheon not named Stannis. Now that Melisandre has Gendry as a captive, the question is what her intentions are. She could sacrifice Gendry to the Lord of Light, or she could use him for some funky butt lovin’ with hopes of popping out more shadow babies. Let’s hope it’s the latter. — CW

Shae: Tough break, Shae. Here’s a girl who climbed the ladder from battlefield whore tents to being the maiden of a highborn lady. She falls madly in love with a super rich lord with whom she shares everything. But some things just aren’t worth hearing. Shae thought she was making a stand to prove her importance to Tyrion, but instead she got the news that Tyrion is to marry Sansa. So it doesn’t look like there will be a fairy tale ending to Shae’s story, but at least there’s a chance for a threesome with the lord and lady. — CW

Theon Greyjoy: In addition to losing his family’s allegiance, his foster family’s loyalty and the castle he risked everything to take, Theon has now also lost every shred of dignity he once possessed. Oh, and his pinkie finger. Or at the very least, the skin on his pinkie finger. It’s not quite clear. Mystery Dude said Theon would beg him to cut it off, and Theon did. Yikes. You lose, Theon. And you’re probably going to keep losing. It’s only a matter of time before Mystery Dude cues up this track during a torture session. — MR

The Blackfish: I made a strong pitch to have Blackfish in the top 10, only because he delivered one of the show’s greatest lines to date. Edumre was again defying the King of the North, refusing to accept Frey’s marriage proposal as, “The Laws of Gods and men say no man can compel another man to marry.” Blackfish’s response: “The Lords of my fists are about to compel your teeth!” Genius, simply genius. — CW

Edmure Tully: Gotta hand it to Edmure: Even amid raging war and contentious negotiations, he’s focused on what really matters: landing a hot wife. No one wants to get stuck banging an ugly chick forever, especially not an ugly Frey. But alas, Edmure got bullied and berated once again. At least the Blackfish let his nephew keep his teeth. And at least Edmure’s got that awesome fish-scale Tully armor. Great house pride right there. — MR

Varys: The Spider got bitched by Littlefinger this week, but not without hurling a few insults at Petyr’s bride-to-be. The Iron Throne, ugly thing, yet Littlefinger can’t deny its appeal. “The Lysa Arryn of chairs,” jabbed Varys. It was a good line, no question, but then Littlefinger proceeded to cock slap Varys left and right as he revealed Ros’ unfortunate fate. Perhaps the Spider’s web is unraveling? — CW

Lady Olenna: So even Lady Olenna can’t get the best of Tywin in an argument. And? She’s still a force to be reckoned with, eats fancy cheese on the regular and brought the phrase “sword swallower, through and through” into my life. Keep doing you, Olenna. Haters gon’ hate. — BG

Bran, the Reeds and Osha: The Little Lords are still heading north, but now they have a glimpse of what awaits them at The Wall thanks to Jojen’s seizure-inducing vision. Might it be time to come up with a new plan? Perhaps, but after Osha and Meera bicker over who can skin a rabbit better. After all’s said and done, this group of misfit companions has sitcom spinoff written all over it. — CW

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