Game of Thrones Power Rankings: Kissed by Fire

Tywin may be the world's worst father, but damn if he doesn't have great legs.

Tywin may be the world’s worst father, but damn if he doesn’t have great legs.

Lots of movement in this week’s Power Rankings, fueled by a spike in sexual activity and at least five naked bums. Plot lines are moving quickly and yes, Tywin is still the world’s biggest dickhead father.

Our rankings are based on developments from each episode in particular, and take factors such as likeability, power and general character attractiveness into consideration. At the end of the day, these are wholly subjective, so if you disagree with any of our assessments — and you’d be wrong — state your case in the comments section below.

One last very important order of business: SPOILER ALERT: The following entries contain information from the most recent episode of Game of Thrones: “Kissed By Fire” (Season 3, Episode 5).

Not in the episode: Joffrey, Varys, Mystery Dude, Theon, Bran, The Reeds, Direwolves — where are they??, Sam, The Night’s Watch

Top 10

jon-snow-season-31. Jon Snow (previously unranked): At TNW, we’ve made it clear that certain things guarantee the No. 1 spot in our weekly Power Rankings. One is having your dragon melt an enemy’s face off while you secure a massive, series-changing army. Another is being so ridiculously good at sex that prostitutes refuse to accept your money. Then there’s Jon Snow’s case: At long last, losing your virginity!

Jon lost his virginity much like we all do, after prom, in a secret cave, with a horny redheaded Wildling who just playfully stole his sword. Ygritte exposed all of herself. She rubbed her hands through his wavy (and probably overwhelmingly dirty) black hair. Then, in the ever-applicable words of Afroman, Jon “fucked her once, fucked her twice. He ate that pussy like shrimp-fried rice.”

Of course, then the couple (maybe in real life too!) dove into the Beyond The Wall Suites Luxury Hot Tub, and Ygritte went into stage-five clinger mode, saying things like, “I don’t ever want to leave this cave, Jon Snow.” Run, Jon. But make sure you hit it once more before you go. — BG

ygritte 751a. Ygritte (previously unranked): As CW will get to below, Ygritte’s ass alone is worthy of this spot. So is her catchphrase, “You know nothing Jon Snow,” which has proven uniquely suitable for seemingly every situation. Oh, you’ve never seen a giant before? Oh, you’ve never seen a naked woman before? Oh, you’ve never had a raunchy threesome with me and my Wildling BFF, who may or may not be a dominatrix, in my secret underground hideaway? Stupid, naive Jon. — BG

 

(GIF hat tip to Fire and Blood tumblr.)

berric dondarrion2. Beric Dondarrion (previously 4): Let’s take stock of what Ser Beric brings to the table: He’s got a badass eyepatch, he wields a flaming sword and he’s earned the loyalty of a group that only exists because it’s members didn’t want to be loyal to a lord anymore. Pretty dope. Oh, there’s one more thing: HE CAN’T DIE. The Hound beat him in single combat, slicing a sword through his shoulder and into his chest, but as soon as Thoros of Myr muttered a little prayer to the Lord of Light, up popped Beric again. He’s not quite as good as new, as he explains to Arya later: He’s been killed and resurrected six times, and after each instance he feels he’s “a bit less.” How has he been killed? Well, “more than once by a Clegane,” for starters. And when the Lannisters got him, did they hang him or put a dagger through his eye? “Both, fuckers couldn’t decide.” OK, now you guys are just bragging. Jokes aside, this is all very cool. We don’t know why the Lord of Light has chosen Beric Dondarrion to receive this gift; we don’t know how long it’ll last; and we don’t know what impact it’ll have on Arya and the other heros in our story. But we know that it’s fucking awesome, and that’s really all that matters for now. — MR

tywin-season-33. Tywin Lannister (previously 8): Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, look through your book … and find me the nearest gay guy or jailbird child. Those are the correct lyrics, right? As usual, Tywin managed to steal the scene with his cold stare and cutting words, first shattering Tyrion’s bliss with Shae by ordering his son to marry Sansa Stark, then pulling a blindside that would surely make the Survivor Tribal Council Hall of Fame by telling Cersei she’ll marry Loras “Yeah, I sucked Renly’s cock, what of it?” Tyrell. That’s some next-level Millionaire Matchmaker shit right there, Tywin. Have the Bravo execs offered you a reality show yet? He didn’t stop there, though. He also quelled the rising Tyrell threat — “plots are not public knowledge” — and laid down the incest law by telling Cersei her marriage will “put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all.” Way to mind that legacy, boss. — MR

robb-stark4. Robb Stark (previously unranked) — Robb lost half his forces, but at least the he knows how to properly sever a head, unlike that pussy Theon. The idea is to cut it off with one swing of the sword, not hack away like a kid at a pinata. Wait, we can do better. Not stab aimlessly like Joffrey losing his virginity. But you gotta hand it to Robb for sticking to his guns; one of his top bannermen committed treason and he carried out the sentence despite council from his top advisers. Damn stubborn Karstark, you just couldn’t wait for vengeance and now you’ve jeopardized the North’s cause. But Robb has a plan, he’ll make his plea to Lord Frey to replace the Karstak men and march to Casterly Rock. “I’m going to take their home away.” But what about Robb’s new lady friend? Frey can’t be happy that Robb broke his oath to marry one of ugly daughters, so there might be some polygamy in the future. And that explains why they shot Episode 5 in Utah. — CW

arya-season35. Arya Stark (previously 7): Arya continues to impress us with her bravery — once Beric Dondarrion failed to kill the Hound, she attempted to stab him herself — but it’s what happened later in the episode that could prove the most significant. Arya could soon be reunited with Robb! And together, they’ll get to work on murdering everyone on her Billy Madison-style death list! Sure, she’ll be used as a bargaining chip in a deal with the Starks, because the Brotherhood Without Banners is a little cash poor at the moment. And sure, Gendry has decided to stay on as the Brotherhood’s smith. But Arya is set to be free — and now she has made friends with men who 1) can swap faces and 2) can never die, which has the makings of an awesome Game of Thrones Justice League. — BG

the-hound-756. The Hound (previously unranked): Thrust into trial by sword fight after Arya ratted him out last week, the Hound faced a 50/50 shot at death heading into Sunday’s episode. So congrats, Sandor Clegane. By not dying, you’ve clinched a spot on our vaunted top 10. Really, though, you have to admire the Hound’s fighting style. He swung his sword powerfully, recklessly and angrily — much like I imagine I would if I were drunkenly hacking at a piñata filled with breakfast cereal. In fact, that was probably the Hound’s mentality, too. You just know he enjoys pounding Count Chocula as much as the next guy. Of course, Beric didn’t die after the Hound stabbed him, or even explode into bits of chocolate and marshmallowy goodness. I guess newfound freedom will have to suffice, for now. — BG

dany-season-37. Daenerys Targaryen (previously 1) — Not much screen time for the future mother of my children Mother of Dragons, but now she’s got a new badass sidekick in Grey Worm. We only assume he’ll immediately begin competing for her affection, turning that love triangle into a love rectangle. Or maybe he’ll be more interested in Dany’s new BFF Missandei instead. I’ve never been in a love pentagon before but I can only assume it’s dizzyingly boner inducing. Regardless, it’s clear Dany’s plan to win her soldiers’ loyalty by freeing them from slavery is working. If Grey Worm is any indication, her new-found people will go to war for her not because they’re her property, but because they all love her and think they have a shot at making some dragon babies with her. Hell, I’d go to war for that. But there’s some tension between building between Jorah and Ser Barristan, so Dany may have to flash a boob to remind her top guys who their master is. — CW

jorah 75 barristan 758. Jorah/Barristan (previously unranked): Not too many moons ago, Sers Jorah and Barristan were exiled knights chasing anything that might lead them back home. Now, they’re literally up on their high horses, bickering like school girls about which one of them is more valuable to Dany’s quest. Jorah: Kraznys already told everyone you smell like piss; might as well have an actual pissing contest with Barristan to end the debate already. Speaking of debates: Jorah seemed to be having an internal one over whether Barristan would be able to out him for trying to inform on Dany way back in Season 1. After all, Barristan was a knight of the Kingsguard at the time and could have been privy to whatever intelligence Varys shared with the Small Council. Luckily for Ser Sexy, Barristan can’t out him, so Jorah’s secret is safe — for now. This’ll free up Jorah to continue gazing longingly at Dany from horseback and muttering innuendo-laden stuff like “… with all my heart” (subtext: “and hopefully one day, with all my cock”). — MR

jaime-lannister-season-39. Jaime Lannister (previously 10) — Things got slightly better for our one-handed Kingslayer. Lord Bolton looks to be a much more hospitable host than Locke and even let Jaime have a warm bath. And much to Jaime’s enjoyment, Brienne was there for company. In the jungle they call what happened next “presenting,” as Jaime made sure Brienne got a full view of cock and balls before stepping into the water. Then in a real veteran move, he provoked Big Bri enough to get her stand angrily, thus returning the favor with a full frontal view. Jaime definitely liked what he saw and we’re pretty sure he went for a quick stump-jerk under the water. Eventually things calmed down, we finally got the full story of how the Kingslayer got his nickname. It was in the name of justice and to protect the people from a mad tyrant and blah blah blah. The sexual tension between these two is killing me. Jaime, stop fainting into Big Bri’s arms, we know she’ll catch you. Would ya just do the deed and live Costanza’s dream already? — CW

cerseiseason-310. Cersei Lannister (previously unranked): Cersei moves into our resident bitch spot, so often inhabited by her turd-faced son, because she got absolutely clowned by Daddy Dearest. Cersei just.couldn’t.wait. for Tywin to drop the marriage bomb on Tyrion, and her smirk went from childish to downright fiendish as the Sansa plot unraveled. But boy, did she have to eat a heaping pile of shit in the end. And not just regular shit; gay shit! After ordering Robert’s murder, Cersei probably thought she had a carefree life of brother fucking ahead of her. But after ass-raping the realm for years, it’s now Cersei’s turn to take it in the tush. Enjoy doing something “very painful that couldn’t possibly result in children,” Bitch Queen (Regent). — MR

RIP

Rikard Karstark: Things not to do when you’re having a bad day: Storm into a room where some Lannister kids are being held captive and shove your sword directly through their chest. Seems a little bit over the top, right? When I get angry, I like to scream, curse and, sometimes, hurl throwing stars at random strangers who look at me funny. But murder? That’s just crossing the line. Sorry, Karstark, but now you’ve been made an example of. Just be thankful Robb is way better at beheading people than Theon. — BG

Lannister hostages — Greatest pipsqueak line of the episode: “Is this a rescue?!?” Surprise, motherfuckers! Blade to chest! I wouldn’t have laughed quite as hard at that whole scene if the two Lannister hostages didn’t remind me so much of Joffrey. — CW

The Al Pacino Awards

This week featured a lot of naked bums, so we turn to the ass expert to rank them. Please put this song on loop while you read the rest of this section, and no, the guy would not stop referring to himself in the third person. Fucking weird, dude, stop.

1. Ygritte — Oh Al sees you Ygritte, all of you in your ginger glory. On a scale of 1 to Sofia Vergara (10), Al gives Ygrette’s petite booty a strong 9.5.

2. Jaime — Al suspects foul-dupery on this one. Bum double would warrant an immediate repeal of the award, but Al has no proof, so Jaime gets a grungy 8.

3. Brienne — Big Al likey Big Bri Booty, but Big Al want to see Big Bri Boobies. 7.5

4. Jon — Quick glimpse as Jon sashayed into the hot tub with a gleeful “yippee!” … Al would rank Jon higher if Al could take Al’s eyes off Jon’s luscious hair. N/A

5. Loras’ butt buddy — Al doesn’t like spies, even spies with well-toned hineys. Automatic disqualification.

On The King’s Road

Brienne: The Brienne-Jaime storyline has proven to be one of the most compelling of Season 3, and while Jaime’s character arch has more people buzzing, Big Bri is holding her own. Men might mockingly call her “Brienne the Beauty,” but she looked pretty damn good in that bathtub! Plus, her sword isn’t the only thing that’s fast: Brienne sprung to action mighty quickly when Jaime began to faint in the tub. If this whole knight thing doesn’t work out, she might have a future as a lifeguard on Baywatch: Westeros. — MR

Stannis Baratheon: So … Stannis’ life really blows, doesn’t it? He’s the rightful King of Westeros, but a dwarf, a gay dude and an old man thwarted him in battle. He wants to get his sword wet, but the Red Woman shut him down and his wife is a fetus-hoarding lunatic. He’s got a sweet little daughter, but she’s deformed and forced to hide in her chambers. Oh, and his rigid views on honor forced him to imprison his best friend and most loyal servant. Good to see that whole Chosen One thing working out for you, buddy. — MR

Ser Davos: The Onion Knight is still locked away in a dark and gloomy chamber, but at least he has a friend in Stannis’ daughter! She even comes bearing a book, though it turns out that’s an ill-advised gift: Davos is completely illiterate. It’s only a matter of time before reading lessons commence and we get to hear Davos struggle through words like Dothraki, Baratheon and hip … hip-hop … hip-hop-anonymous. — BG

Tyrion: If Tyrion got a blowie from Shae simply for admitting he found Sansa attractive, what’s he going to get when Shae finds out he’s marrying the Stark girl? Play on playa. Play on. — MR 

Lady Olenna — We’ve learned several things about the Lady Tyrell. 1) Don’t fuck with her food. If she wants cheese or figs or lemon cakes just bring her cheese or figs or lemon cakes and don’t say anything. Saying something only makes it worse. 2) She loves to talk about farts and poop. So Sex God Pod, get her those damn figs or her constipated blood will be on your hands and all the dirty sex tricks you know can’t save you from her verbal wrath. 3) Lady Olenna can talk her way out of most situations, even when up against Tyrion’s wit. Just don’t fuck with her food or poop and you’ll stay on her good side. — CW

Littlefinger — It’s a shame Littlefinger came up short in his quest to whisk Sansa away to his haunted palace. Per Millionaire Matchmaker extraordinaire, now he’ll be stuck with Cat’s sister, Lysa Arryn. And if you remember her from Tyrion’s trial at the Erie, you know dat bitch cray. — CW

Sansa Stark: Sansa bid Littlefinger farewell on his voyage, one that she will no longer be embarking on now that she plans to marry the Lorax. And to think, Littlefinger bought that extra feather bed for nothing! Still, though Sansa isn’t aware of it yet, major changes are on the horizon. As the Lannisters desperately scramble to maintain power and relevance — they’re essentially the Kardashians of King’s Landing, come to think of it — she is being set up with Tyrion, who, once again, is being pushed around by the world’s worst dad. There are a few problems with this arrangement. Sansa is into gay guys. Shae is going to be miserable. And Tyrion is not the least bit into lemon cakes, which could become a very prominent plotline in episodes to come. — BG

Tormund Giantsbane: Giantsbane only had one scene in this episode, but it had a pretty major impact. Think it’s a coincidence that two seconds after Tormund told Jon “If you lie to me, I’ll pull your guts out through your throat,” Jon was performing the Lord’s Kiss on Ygritte? Yeah, neither do we. Tormund Giantsbane, Wildling fluffer. — MR

Bolton: Robb’s bannerman has become a more integral part of the story this season, and once again he finds himself in the thick of the action now that Jaime and Brienne are his prisoners at Harrenhal. Bolton seems hospitable, chastising Locke for torturing his prisoners and then giving Jaime medical treatment and a warm bath, but he’s yet to send a raven to Riverrun informing King Robb of his new hostages. Now that Robb’s hatching plans, will Bolton rejoin his liege lord? Inquiring minds want to know. — MR

Shireen — This was a bizarre episode for the remaining Baratheons. First, we discovered Stannis’ wife keeps their stillborn sons in green floaty fish tank things much like the tanks the Governor uses to creepily stare at human heads. Then we meet his fish-faced daughter, a jolly girl who likes to read to illiterate traitors. How sweet, though she may be disappointed when the Onion Knight is on the losing side of the King’s justice. — CW

Grey Worm: Well played, Grey Worm. Though given the opportunity to choose a real human name — I was personally pulling for Bob or De’Juan — he chose to stick with his slave name, because that’s the moniker he had when Dany freed him. Will this act of flattery result in a sexual relationship? Maybe, but probably not, because if sex can’t result in dragons why even have it in the first place? — BG

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