Game of Thrones Power Rankings: And Now His Watch Is Ended

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Great episode this week, especially since we at The Night’s Watch are officially obsessed with Dany. We’ll get into it below in the rankings, but “And Now His Watch Is Ended” (Episode 4) was the best of the season. We lost a key character or two and had pretty good plot movement on several storylines. Oh, and Tywin is still a huge a dick to his children and the legend of Sex God Pod continues to grow.

Our rankings are based on developments from each episode in particular, and take factors such as likeability, power and general character attractiveness into consideration. At the end of the day, these are wholly subjective, so if you disagree with any of our assessments — and you’d be wrong — state your case in the comments section below.

One last very important order of business: SPOILER ALERT: The following entries contain information from the most recent episode of Game of Thrones: “And Now His Watch Is Ended” (Season 3, Episode 4).

Not in the episode: Jon, Wildlings, Robb, Tullys, Stannis, Melisandre

Top 10

dany-season-31. Daenerys Targaryen (previously 1): If you’ve been reading TNW for any amount of time now, you’re well aware that I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with Khaleesi. Maybe it’s her perfect bone structure. Maybe it’s her dragons. Maybe it’s that I have a fetish for any woman who can take a stallion heart down in one. No matter what the case, I’ve made my feelings for her perfectly clear. So dibs. That’s right world. Suck it.

Anyway, I reiterate my claim to Dany for one reason: She just pulled off the greatest coup in TV history. That’s not an exaggeration. She secured the entirety of the Unsullied army, retained all three of her dragons and, in one fell swoop, became a legitimate threat to the Iron Throne. It was fucking amazing.

Here’s how it happened: Dany waltzed into the plaza, looking fine as all hell, obviously. Kraznys, a.k.a. soon-to-be-dead slave trader, exchanged his power whip for Dany’s snorting dragon balloon. Then Dany went ham. She busted out some High Valyrian (Missandel’s reaction: “Oh shiiiiiiiiiittttt”; Jorah’s reaction: “May I motorboat you now, Khaleesi?”), tried out some practice commands as if she were testing out her iPhone’s Siri functionality and then ordered her army to murder/obliterate their former masters while her dragon meat-cube roasted Kraznys. Tough shit, Kraznys. No more nipple-slicing for you.

And if that weren’t enough, Dany proceeded to free her army — and everyone still chose to stand by her side. She’s Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus all in one. Except better. She’s got fantastic tits.

Think back to the first time you saw Michael Jordan dunk a basketball, the first time you ate Waffle Crisp or the first time you popped a boner in elementary school. The moment you were like, holy shit, this is happening. This is happening right now.

That was Sunday night for Khaleesi. Now I’m gonna re-watch that scene with this song turnt to 11. — BG

varys 752. Varys (previously unranked): For a guy who doesn’t have a penis, Varys sure does know how to fuck people over. In addition to having a network of little birds willing to tell him everything about everything (Varys Worldwide), he’s proven capable of brilliant scheming, savvy manipulation and masterful revenge. Sorry, sorcerer douche. That kid whose penis you cut off — that Easter egg looking mofo — is now about to torture your ass until you die. Rules are rules. But Varys’ power episode didn’t end there. After uncovering Littlefinger’s plan to run away with the teenage daughter of the much older woman he once loved, he plotted with Lady Olenna to set up Sansa to wed Ser Loras, who I’m nicknaming Ser Lorax, because you just know he’s all about those Truffula trees. Varys then probably bumped his “nonexistent” against Lady Olenna’s “decrepit,” because that doubles in eunuch circles as a type of celebratory chest bump. — BG

margaery 753. Powertits (previously unranked): Powertits’ plan to become the most powerful and beloved person is King’s Landing is working out better than she ever could have imagined. Not only does she have the Bitchking wrapped around her finger, but she’s receiving extensive history lessons from this guy — and evil Prof. Joff is way more likeable than Big Fucking Ass Hat King Joff. More importantly, however, Powertits ended the episode with a series of shrewd moves. She taught Joffrey how to Miss America wave (his original idea was to fire his crossbow recklessly at the crowd) and proposed to Sansa on her gay brother’s behalf, ruining Littlefinger’s scheme and setting up a lifetime tea parties and lemon cakes. Then there was the whole adoring mass chanting her name thing. Powertits is the kind of person who probably looks at herself in the mirror while she’s having sex, and we at TNW having nothing but the utmost respect for that level of booby conceit. — BG

berric dondarrion4. Berric Dondarrion/Brotherhood Without Banners (previously unranked): It’s a bold move to sentence the Hound to trial by combat, but we’ve seen what the Lord of Light is capable of. Maybe Dondarrion will lift that eye patch and spit out a shadow baby to do the deed. Or maybe he’ll bust out a new power from the Lord of Light — maybe Dondarrian is the first of the X-Men and will take his patch off to shoot a Cyclops-like laser out of his eye! Even if Arya is the bravest in their camp, I’m looking forward to seeing what Dondarrion (and/or the Lord of Light?) can do in combat with that flaming sword of his. Fire is the purest form of death, and we know how the Hound feels about fire. Advantage Dondarrion. Plus, the Brotherhood gets bonus points for being nice to Arya and letting her get away with being a badass. The intrigue is still strong around this new camp of characters. — CW

mystery-dude-season-35. Mystery Dude (previously 4): Ah ha! A twist! Turns out Mystery Dude isn’t the kind-hearted Good Samaritan we were led to believe, but rather a twisted devil who seems to be torturing Theon just for fun. Because tying Theon to a giant X, peeling off his fingernails and pushing screws into his feet wasn’t scintillating enough, Mystery Dude made Theon believe he was helping him escape only to lead the poor Kraken back to his doom. The MD moniker is proving apt, because mysteries still abound: How sick of a puppy must Mystery Dude be if he killed all of those men in the woods just to keep this farce alive? Is Mystery Dude calling the shots or working for someone else? Either way, what does he want with Theon? And why did Mystery Dude’s face do that thing when Theon revealed that Bran and Rickon are still alive? (Dumb Theon. Dumb-fucking-Theon.) Oh, and one more question: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? — MR

locke-season-36. Locke (previously 2, sorta): First and foremost, can we talk about why this dude was carrying a canteen of horse piss? I mean, it’s a good way to torment a captive, sure. But how does one get a canteen of horse piss? He must’ve gotten pissed on trying to fill it up, and he may or may not have had to touch horse shlong in the process. Gross. If Locke were smart, he would have borrowed Jaime’s hand to hold the canteen while the horse pissed all over the place. But instead he chose to accessorize his captive. Still, Locke does know how to kick a man while he’s down. Literally, he’s kicked Jaime so far into the mud the guy doesn’t even want to live anymore. He’s not necessarily the brightest dude, I mean obviously Sapphire Island isn’t made of sapphires, duh, but he does reserve the right to take Jaime’s other hand. — CW

arya-season37. Arya Stark (previously unranked): We’re still waiting for Arya to get more than two seconds of screen time, but she’s making the most of her precious platform. That direwolf/dinosaur bread Hot Pie baked ‘Ary’ last week must have contained some killer complex carbs, because she was ready to fucking roll when the Brotherhood went into Judge, Jury and Execution mode. Ever since Clegane murdered the butcher’s boy in Season 1, Arya has muttered The Hound’s name before bed, and she didn’t hesitate to pounce on her opportunity for justice, accusing him of murder in front of the entire Brotherhood. How fierce was Arya? Even the guy she’s trying to kill couldn’t help but admire her, mocking the Brotherhood by asking if “the girl” is the bravest one in the cave. What do her newfound captors think? “She might be.” — MR

tywin-season-38. Tywin Lannister (previously unranked) — Tywin is officially the world’s worst father, but at least he’s consistent. First, Tyrion ventured into his office to request the keys to Casterly Rock. Tywin shot him down in epic fashion. “You’re an ill-made spiteful little creature full of envy, lust and low cunning,” he said. Then Cersei rolled in and tried to be daddy’s favorite little bitch by badmouthing the Tyrells and saying she’s the best Lannister of her siblings (not hard when your competition is an imp and one-handed captive). Tywin’s response: “I don’t distrust you because you’re a woman, I distrust you because you’re not as smart as you think you are.” Not quite as bad as threatening to hang the next person he found in her bed, but still a slap in the face. Cersei probably wishes it was a cock-slap in the face, she’s been craving Lannister dong since Jaime was captured and and Lancel bitched out during Blackwater. Anyway, Tywin seems up to the task of stopping the Bitchking from beating chicks with spiked bats and such, so he’s got an opportunity to climb this list if he follows through on his word. — CW

night's watch9. The Night’s Watch (previously unranked): Here’s the good: The Night’s Watch murdered that daughter-loving prick Craster, who not only killed off his incestuous newborn sons, but withheld food from an army of hungry Crows. But there was also the bad: Those mutinous shits killed Lord Commander Mormont, a mistake that could come back to haunt them in the not-so-distant future. For now, the Night’s Watch will feast on snacks on snacks while, um, breaking their oath with Craster’s daughters. But down the road, they’ll likely have to deal with White Walkers, a battle that could prove impossible without their fearless leader around to guide them. — BG

theon-season-310a. Theon Greyjoy (previously 9): Remember that time when you picked the wrong kickball team in recess, got blown the fuck out and then spent the rest of the afternoon lamenting your shitty choice of teammates? Theon’s story is almost exactly like that, except he regrets picking his douchebag father over noble Ned Stark and proceeding to murder a handful of innocent children. Oh, and while you’re punishment likely consisted of enjoying a pack of Gushers just a little bit less, Theon’s involves being led in an aimless circle before being ushered back to a dark, gloomy dungeon and tied to a massive X for endless torture. Sucks.

jaime-lannister-season-310b. Jaime Lannister (previously 10): Sure, Jamie lost his sword hand and literally wants to starve himself to death. And sure, he sucked down a canteen of Locke’s horse’s piss, which was really disgusting and super embarrassing. But while he thinks of his dangling hand as a sign of disgrace, I look at it as an opportunity. Now Jamie can adopt this as his personal theme song, and if he ever does get reunited with Cersei, think of all the innovative sex moves they can pull! That’s gross and disturbing. But seriously, think of all the kinky shit they could do.

joffrey-season310c. Bitchking Joffrey (previously a bitch): Still a bitch. — BG

Rest In Peace

night's watchMormont: Dammit, so-called sworn brothers of The Night’s Watch. You’ve made us here at TNW slightly ashamed of our name. I understand you wanted bacon. As CW mentions below, bacon is fucking delicious. It’s firmly established in a rare category of food with Frank’s RedHot; everything is better with it. But killing Mormont over it? That’s taking it too far. Mormont was the Gregg Popovich of Westeros — he was old, respected and whatever he did worked. I’d heard rumors that, after he retired, the powers that be were considering naming the wall in his honor. No longer. Instead of being a model of strength, The Night’s Watch turned into a bunch of spring break hooligans who shot up a McDonald’s because they stopped serving breakfast at 10 instead of 11. Assholes. — BG

(Don’t) Rest In Fiery Hell

crasterCraster — The Bastard Beyond the wall, despite proudly claiming to be “a godly man,” met his untimely (or long overdue?) demise at the hands of some hungry Crows. And really, can you blame them? I mean, if I’m stranded in a hut that smells like bacon and nobody will give me bacon, I’m going to freak out and stab some fat bacon-hoarding bastard in the gut too. Because bacon is fucking awesome. Sad that Mormont was a casualty of the scuffle, but hey, people will do crazy stuff for bacon. So, in sum: fuck Craster, that son-sacrificing, bacon-bundling wart of a man. May the seven hells continuously scorch your bacon beyond recognition. — CW

On The King’s Road

Lady Olenna: I’ve always said Game of Thrones needed a sharp-tongued older woman to cunt punt all the fools who don’t know their place. Lady Olenna has filled that role perfectly. She eats fancy cheese on the regular, plots with the best of them and insults eunuchs about having to live life without a penis, which, if you think about it, is really the only way to deal with eunuchs. Lady Olenna is like the Jennifer Lawrence of Westeros, only 50 years older and without dat ass. — BG

Brienne: If the whole knight thing doesn’t work out, Big Bri can always fall back on motivational speaking. She put the Jaime in his place when he had basically given up on life. And she’s definitely got some feelings for him; my guess is soon the Kingslayer will slay the tallest member of the Rainbow Guard. — CW

Tyrion Lannister: Tyrion didn’t have a whole lot of face time, but he let Varys in on a secret plot to get revenge on Cersei for her assassination attempt at the Battle of Blackwater. What exactly that plot entails remains unclear, but we hope he finds the proof he needs to move forward. Or, at least that he finds enough proof to run and tell daddy so Tywin can further cement his place as the world’s worst father. — CW

Cersei Lannister: With Powertits continuing to get the breast of Cersei, the Queen Regent turned to Big Daddy Lannister for some fatherly advice. Bad call. All Tywin wants is to mysteriously pen and stamp letters, which I’m sure we’ll find out later all look something like this. In the meantime, Cersei is left to whine and have Cruel Intentions­-like fantasies about the return of her handless brother. — BG

Sansa Stark: Sansa is now set to marry Ser Lorax, an arrangement that — though he’s homosexual — is still probably better than being stuck on a boat with pervy Littlefinger. Well, unless that boat also includes T-Pain. And unless Lorax asks her to do things that sound very painful and couldn’t possibly result in children. — BG

Ros: It feels like just yesterday that Ros was flashing Theon her cooter from the back of a turnip cart bound for King’s Landing. My, how far she’s come. Now she’s playing the game of thrones, informing on Littlefinger while simultaneously rising up his ranks. You go girl. — MR

Bran/Jojen: Believe it or not, Bran’s Episode 4 storyline involved a weird dream and the three-eyed crow. Shocking, right? To be fair, this particular dream did involve a twist: Catelyn shrieking “no more climbing!” at her son, then shaking him until he fell. Seems a little counterproductive, crazy Cat. — MR

The Hound: You?!? What are you doing here?!? This seems like most of the dialogue the Hound has to offer. The only exception to his game of repeater was a rather sympathetic defense of the charges the Brotherhood Without Banners brought against him. It was a defense that may have held up in court, but instead he’ll have to plead it against the Lord of Light via trial by combat against Berric Dondarrion. Win and you’re in, Clegane. — CW

Sam: Look who finally sacked up! Too bad the Others had to rise and the Old Bear had to die in order for Sam to grow a pair. Still, he gets points for keeping his cool amid the chaos, fetching Gilly and her newborn son and attempting to escape. He’d have earned more points for actually saving Mormont, but this is still serious progress for Ser Piggy. — MR

Sex God Pod: The lore continues! While Sex God Pod didn’t actually make an appearance in the episode, his effect on the ladies is turning him into quite the legend. The girls couldn’t even describe the sex it was so amazing. Apparently it was much like Ron Swanson’s sex life: “Epic, and private.” So Sex God Pod is a sex prodigy. — CW

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