Game of Thrones Power Rankings: Walk of Punishment

tnw-s3-e3We’ve got to hand it to the Game of Thrones folks: They’ve perfected the science of setting the stage in a season’s first two hours, only to ratchet up the drama in the third installment. “Walk of Punishment” was no exception, as it slapped viewers across the face with a heavy dose of intrigue and plot advancement. So high five, Thrones folks. Our expectations are a fragile egg, but your palm is a safe nest.

OK, enough hand jokes.

Our rankings are based on developments from each episode in particular, and take factors such as likeability, power and general character attractiveness into consideration. At the end of the day, these are wholly subjective, so if you disagree with any of our assessments — and you’d be wrong — state your case in the comments section below.

One last very important order of business: SPOILER ALERT: The following entries contain information from the most recent episode of Game of Thrones: “Walk of Punishment” (Season 3, Episode 3).

Not in the episode: Joffrey, Margaery and the Tyrells, Sansa, Bran, the Reeds, Shae.

podrick-season-3Honorary 1: Podrick Payne (previously unranked): Pod may be a mere squire, a fringe character even after saving Tyrion’s life at the battle of Blackwater Bay. But here at TNW, we look out for the little guys. So if dousing your V-card in wildfire and putting it to the torch in an epic foursome doesn’t warrant an honorary No. 1 spot, then we’d have to seriously reconsider what the hell we’re even doing here. I sat in with Tyrion and Bronn to get the full details: Pod’s wild sex orgy starts off with first-timer specialist Genna, who enters the fun already naked because there are few things that shatters a man’s confidence more than fumbling with clasps like an idiot. I’m convinced the triple clasp is a last-ditch defense mechanism if a woman wants to bail, but luckily Pod didn’t have to deal with that. Genna helps set the mood for the no pants party and caresses Pod down like a pro. And just in case Genna’s petite breasts weren’t Pod’s cup of tea, which we know they weren’t because Pod is DEFINITELY a boob man, enter Marei, who’s very well-endowed between the shoulders and navel. Her main role in all this is to motorboat Pod’s face, but she’s also “quite the spear handler herself.” We didn’t know she had that G.I. Joe kung-fu grip, but after it went drip, drip, drip, the real freaky deaky stuff starts. Time for Kaye, one of four women in the world who can perform a proper Myranese knot, to get involved. She pretzels herself up so that her three holes become neighbors, thus reducing the chance of the virgin’s awkward “is it in yet?” conversation. So now all the guests are accounted for. It continues to play out this way — Genna caressing Pod down, Marei with the kung-fu grip, Kaye facilitating insertion points — for several hours before Pod finally gives the Chuck Norris eye squint and all four of them orgasm simultaneously. Pod, who we’ll now forever refer to as Sex God, left such an impression that they couldn’t even take his money. Well done sir, well done. — CW

dany-season-31. Daenerys Targaryen (previously unranked): Let’s start with the good: Dany, in principle, has agreed to a deal that will land her 8,000 Unsullied soldiers and several additional untrained servants who presumably still have their nipples. But it comes at a price. She must give up a dragon in exchange, which seems about as fair as swapping a Snack Pack for Warheads at elementary school lunch. Here’s why we’re keeping her at No. 1: She still looks great. She figured out that wearing blue dresses really brings out the color of her eyes, and the curve of her ass. And, most significantly, she’s finally acting like a queen: She’s asserting her superiority over Jorah and Ser Barristan, negotiating to add translator babes to her posse and potentially scheming for an epic power play (the dragon is hers until it isn’t). Dany is like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. Despite her gaining confidence and beginning to make terrible decisions, we still have faith she’ll come out on top in the end, and that she won’t throw away her body to a Cal Teen Bar addiction, a reckless cocaine habit and a bunch of grimy, horny Iron Islanders. — BG

 locke-season-32. The Boltons (previously unranked): The Stark bannermen are starting to go from fringe players to key contributors. Head man Roose wasn’t in this episode, but he’s holding down the fort for the war movement while Robb’s away in Riverrun. We’ve yet to meet Roose’s bastard son, but we know he earned the honor of going to confront Theon at Winterfell (ultimately too late). And then there’s lead man Locke and the Bolton contingent that happened upon Jaime and Brienne on the road. Quite an episode for that dude, whose cheek scar and super intense disposition indicate he’s probably related to John Locke from LostNot only did this Locke capture the Kingslayer — HE CUT OFF HIS HAND. And not just any hand — HIS SWORD HAND. And he did it just because he could, just because he didn’t like the arrogance Jaime radiated while attempting to barter. Jaime is supposed to be the best knight in Westeros (with the possible exception of Loras Tyrell), and instead of heeding Jaime’s pleas for a ransom and cashing in on some Casterly Rock coin, Locke chopped off the part of Jaime that makes him who he is. Regardless of how this all plays out, this was an epic power move that’s sure to reverberate for episodes — possibly seasons — to come. — MR 

mance-season-33. Mance Rayder and the Wildlings (previously unranked): So, apparently the dawn of the zombie apocalypse isn’t bad news for everyone. The King Beyond the Wall knows an opportunity when he sees one, which is why he merely pauses for a moment to admire The Others’ artistic acumen before beginning to hatch plans with Tormund, Orell and the rest of his crew. We don’t know all the details of Mance’s plan, but we know the ones that count: He wants Tormund and Co. to climb the Wall, and if they make it he’s going to “light the biggest fire the North has ever seen.” (Heeeey, vaguely ominous line from every single Season 3 trailer!) We know something else, too: The Halfhand told Jon to do whatever it took to keep his cover with the Wildlings, but attacking the Night’s Watch might be a conflict Jon can’t swallow. What do you see, Orell? “Dead crows.” You know nothing, Jon Snow. — MR 

mystery-dude-season-34. Mystery Dude (previously unranked): Remember when the Yankees called up Shelley Duncan in 2007, he mashed a bunch of home runs and he set the bar absurdly high for the rest of his baseball career? Well Mystery Dude is exactly like that, only he might not be a one-month wonder and he isn’t ugly as fuck. While we don’t yet know his name — he looks kind of like a Barkevious to me — it’s clear he’s a deadeye archer, a ninja-like maneuverer and a Good Samaritan. He did, after all, prevent Theon from quite literally getting ass-raped. His agenda remains unclear, but I have a hypothesis: Maybe he’s like Jaqen H’ghar, a stealthy assassin who has the super-convenient ability to change faces. Miss you Jaqen. A man must come back. — BG

tyrion-season-35. Tyrion Lannister (previously 8): There are two reasons Tyrion climbs back into the top five this week, neither of which has to do with his recent appointment to Master of Coin, a position that that’s basically the fictional grown-up equivalent of student council treasurer. First, he’s about to get sex tips from the Sex God, which — as CW described so eloquently above — should lead Tyrion to add moves like The Double Kangaroo Sloppy Pocky, The Frothy Walrus and The Backdoor Mailman and Angry Dog to his everyday repertoire. But of equal significance, he demonstrated that he has the best musical chair game in all of Westeros. While Littlefinger, Varys and Cersei were finagling ways to saddle up next to Tywin, Tyrion dragged his chair to the head of the table, asserting his status in the absolute best way possible. The only way he could’ve one-upped himself? Pulling up a chair made out of AK-47s. — BG

robb-stark6. Robb Stark (previously unranked): The Robb Stark “Shit, Everyone’s Dead” Tour continued on Sunday night, when Robb and his band of barbarians mourned the loss of Hoster Tully, Catelyn’s father. But it wasn’t all bad. As Edmure fired arrows at the funeral pyre with about the same success rate as a blind kid playing ring toss, Robb smirked, showing that he is, in fact, that kind of guy who laughs at a funeral. Better yet? Robb now has Brynden the Blackfish by his side, which can only result in more efficient battle strategy and more frequent late-night locker boxing, because you know they’re totally into that. Also, that hair. — BG

blackfish7. Brynden “The Blackfish” Tully (previously unranked): I can tell we’re going to like the Blackfish, the late Lord of Riverrun’s estranged brother. He’s got a nickname so cool his homies don’t even know his real name. Have you ever heard of William Drayton Jr.? No? Exactly. The way The Blackfish executed the bowman’s equivalent to the 8 Mile mic drop was a giant cock-slap to the face of his nephew, the new Lord of Riverrun. So we’ve seen what he can do with a long bow, and I suspect he can handle himself on the battlefield as well. And he’s got a sensitive side! I mean did you see the way he comforted poor ol’ Cat? “Sure dear, your children may all be dead and your only living son may have imprisoned you as a traitor, but just don’t think about it. See how pretty those mountains are? And the river this time of year sure is lovely! Yeah, you’ll be fine.” — CW

melisandre-season-38. Melisandre (previously unranked): The red lady only had one scene this week, but she made it count, telling Stannis he doesn’t have what it takes to plant another shadow baby in her womb. Ouch, that’s gotta burn as badly as roasting in one of Melisandre’s fires. In addition to cock-blocking her king, Melisandre dropped some intriguing comments about needing king’s blood. We know Stannis doesn’t have any bastards (in human or shadow form), so what does she mean? Did Joffrey miss one of Robert’s bastards during his purge? Does Melisandre know about Gendry? When she finds whomever she’s looking for, is she going to fuck him or kill him (or both)? Inquiring minds want to know. — MR

theon-season-39. Theon Greyjoy (previously 10): It sucks a little bit less to be Theon this week. His new best friend helped free him from captivity. More importantly, after Theon rode like a bitch and got caught again, his new best friend saved him from getting raped, which really is a bizarre form of punishment. So a dude escapes from your castle, you catch him and knock him off his horse with a crushing mace-lasso to the chest and your response is to start up some funky butt lovin? But luckily Theon has a new BFF with an effective rape whistle. Theon would be wise to be skeptical of his new savior, but for now he’s free and presumably headed home. Slowly but surely he’s climbing out of the gutter. — CW

jaime-lannister-season-310. Jaime Lannister (previously unranked): So, this seems like an appropriate time to revisit what Jaime said about Bran Stark back in “The Kingsroad,” the second episode of the first season: “Even if the boy lives, he would be a cripple, a grotesque. Give me a good, clean death anyday.” Sticking by that one, Kingslayer? Jaime finally seemed to be improving his lot in “Walk of Punishment,” convincing Locke and his Bolton men to leave Brienne’s honor (and maidenhead) intact in order to cash in on some sapphires down the road and seemingly convincing them to give him some creature comforts if he promised to be a good prisoner who would one day pay his debts. Whoops! Instead of a mug of mead and plate of chicken, Jaime was a victim of one of the series’ biggest “Holy fuck, did that just happen?!?” moments to date. Jaime’s been one of the most vile creatures on the show, so it’s hard to feel bad for him, but it’s also interesting to note that this mutilation followed one of Jaime’s only redeemable acts yet. He genuinely wanted to protect Brienne, and he lost his swordhand for his troubles. If there’s a lesson in this, Jaime, it’s probably to stop protecting the homely chicks and keep fucking your sister. If you can still unlace her corset, that is. — MR

On The King’s Road

Tywin Lannister: Tywin had minor screen time, but he did crack the whip on the Small Council for making no progress in locating Jaime. Still, it was tough to bump the de facto ruler of the Seven Kingdoms out of the top 10. Dude’s got money and power, and he’s feared by all of Westeros. But alas, the Power Rankings are not a Ricktatorship, and I was outvoted 2-1, so fall Tywin. — CW

Brienne of Tarth: It’s not in Big Bri’s nature to go down without a fight, even though Jaime correctly alerted her that she’d get raped as a prisoner of war and was better off to just “lay there and pretend it was Renly.” But instead of listening to her ex-prisoner and daydreaming about her late, I-play-for-the-other-team King, Bri futilely tried to fight off her would-be rapists. It would have gone poorly for Big Bri if not for the Kingslayer himself opening his trap-hole to save her. So points for, you know, not getting raped and murdered. But points lost for owing Jaime any sort of debt of gratitude for, you know, helping her not get raped and murdered. — CW

Catelyn Stark: Gods, Cat is an epic fucking bummer. Even Robb, who’s about as somber as they come, managed to crack a smile when his Uncle Edmure kept whiffing with the flaming arrow. But not Cat. For her, it’s just endless sadness and despair. Oh, Uncle Brynden, your brother just died. Did you happen to squash your 30-year-old beef before he expired? No? Pity, pity. Hey, look at these insanely gorgeous river views. Is it OK if I talk about all my dead children while you’re trying to enjoy the sights? Good, good. Not sure what the Westerosi equivalent of Zoloft is, but Riverrun’s maestar needs to fetch a vile of it, stat. — MR 

Edmure Tully: Where the hell did this guy learn to shoot flaming arrows? The new Lord of Riverrun almost ruined his father’s funeral with sloppy long-bow work, then got bitched out by his nephew King for winning a battle he should never have fought. Tough debut for Edmure. — CW

Arya Stark: Do you guys have any idea how tough it is to get homemade baked goods in the war-torn Seven Kingdoms? Especially goods baked into the shape of your house’s sigil? (Ish, at least … that looked more like a dinosaur than a direwolf.) Of course, before chowing down on her savory snack, Arya still found time to go talk shit to The Hound. “Do you remember the last time you were here?” she asked. Well, do we? If that’s the inn where The Hound killed the butcher’s boy, Micah, it’s the place where he made his way onto Arya’s nightly death wish list. If only she still had Needle… — MR

Hot Pie: Keep baking that bread, fat boy. Keep baking that bread. — MR

Samwell Tarly: Because Sam’s life didn’t already suck enough, he spent this episode listening to Craster not so subtly suggest that The Night’s Watch should eat Sam if the food supply ran short, then watching Gilly give birth. No one wants to be a meal, and no one wants to see a vagina for the first time that way. Oh Piggy. — MR

Craster: Craster opened his tent to a group of ragged Crows with fantastic intentions: make piggy noises until Sam cries. Why spare some food for the Watch when they can just cut slices off Sam to eat! Teach a man to fish, amiright?!? Craster also gets points for having the creepiest cackle-laugh EVER and for being square with the real Gods, to whom he now has another boy to sacrifice. — CW

Kraznys: Did this dude just secure a dragon after telling the rightful Queen of Westeros that he likes the curve of her ass? What a fucking baller. — MR

Talisa Stark: Not a lot of screen time this week for the Queen in the North, but she did get to terrify two young Lannister hostages by making them believe Robb is a werewolf warg who eats his victims during the full moon. So, not a total loss. — MR 

Jorah Mormont and Ser Barristan Selmy: Is it “we” already, fellas? Dany’s chief advisors seem like the jealous types, which should make for some excellent passive-aggressive banter moving forward. But while these two are rivals for Dany’s allegiance, they’re united on another front: They both know that, no matter how nice the curve of your ass is, YOU NEVER GIVE AWAY A DRAGON. — MR

Stannis Baratheon: LOTS of bitching from Stannis in Episode 3. I want Joffrey dead. I want Robb Stark dead. I want to make more shadow babies. Wah, wah, wah. You want some cheese with that whine, buddy? Melisandre said the Lord of Light demands sacrifice. Better sack up so you’re not next, Stannis. — MR

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1 Comment

  1. You haven’t been putting much into it?! Holy Crap! I can’t wait to see what comes out of this self-reflection!In all hntosey, its inspiring to hear when an accomplished artist still thinks there’s much more out there to learn. Even more so when they pursue it with as much tenacity as yourself! Did I use that word correctly? Tenacity? Tenaciousness? Ahh, you know what I mean.


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